Zachary Fair and Sephiroth MD
by Jericho22
Summary: What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education…off to Shinra Medical School!
1. Chapter 1 WTF? MD?

**Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!**

**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them.**

**Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated".**

**What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education….of to Shinra Medical School!**

"Hey."

"What is it, Zachary?"

"D'you know why we're going to Lazard's office?"

"I presume we will be informed of the reason when we're there." Sephiroth always wondered what happened to the filter between Zack Fair's brain and his mouth. Now that the war was over, his sanity had returned, Jenova was dead and they had both officially retired, his young friend had been edgy. Zack had always been….energetic, but his behavior of late bordered on mania. The ex-General continued to stare resolutely at the slowly ascending lights as they passed each floor, hoping Zack would take his cue and shut up.

"Seph, I was just wondering…..on behalf of the entire Shinra army, of course……are you naturally silver?"

Sephiroth closed his eyes, and prayed Shiva would make the elevator move faster.

* * *

Director Lazard was at his desk, along with President Shinra himself. They were both smiling so widely, it was a wonder the tops of their heads didn't fall off. Sephiroth didn't like the situation one bit.

"Come in, sit down. I have some wonderful news!"

The pair sat in the two plush chairs carefully. Neither of them had any idea what to expect.

"Congratulations, you two! Shinra University's Faculty of Medicine has accepted your applications. As you know, the Faculty only accepts the brightest, strongest and most well-rounded applicants! The both of you were excellent candidates; of course, we couldn't expect anything less from SOLDIER. You will begin your studies Monday morning. You two are going to be doctors!"

Zack's face went slack; he looked slightly retarded. Sephiroth managed to keep his deadpan expression.

"What application….?" Even the great General couldn't keep the shock out of his voice.

"Ha! Excellent jest, General! It's wonderful to know you're developing a sense of humor. That will come in very handy when you meet your patients." Lazard laughed heartily.

Zack was about to bolt out of his chair. For once, his was speechless.

"On behalf of the Shinra Coorporation, I want to extend my best wishes for your future endeavors." President Shinra seemed genuinely pleased. "Medicine is the most noble of professions. You two are setting very good examples for future SOLDIER recruits to our new military medicine program."

"Your what?" Sephiroth managed to put some words together, but his thoughts were ping-ponging so fast he could hardly process what was just said.

"Our military medicine program is the first of its kind. Only the finest Shinra recruits will be considered. It is a great honor to have the two of you on board. You will join the first year class, which consists of civilian students. They are already two weeks into their curriculum, so you'll have some catching up to do. Nothing that can't be handled by SOLDIER, of course!"

Zack hadn't moved. It was clear from his vacant expression that his brain hadn't moved past the first few sentences, either. Sephiroth opened his mouth in protest, only to be interrupted by Lazard.

"Well done, gentlemen!" The two executives opened a bottle of wine and immediately began toasting themselves. "Dismissed!"

* * *

Zack and Sephiroth walked slowly down the hallway outside of Lazard's office in disbelief.

"Zachary….if you had anything to do with this….."

"What would you do to me if I did?"

Sephiroth gave him The Glare of Death. Impervious, Zack Fair carried on.

"Okay, fine. I thought I had it all figured out. We're not getting any younger; I mean, you're like almost 30. How many SOLDIERs do you know who are that old? You even have grey hair."

"I was born that way!" Sephiroth retorted.

"Uh huh. But think about the job security. We could do anything, and still rake in the gil, until we're really old. Have you seen that crazy geezer Hojo, lately? What is he, fifty?"

"He's not a medical doctor, Fair. I do believe _medical doctors_ are in the business of _helping people_. Hojo certainly doesn't fit in to that category." Sephiroth's eyes darkened.

"I was just thinkin' about the future, man. So I filled out an application, and wouldn't you know? I was in a good mood and thought of you, too."

"I was about to take over the world, Zack. That's about as good as it gets when it comes to employment."

"Yeah, well, I saved you and saved the Planet. I guess putting that in my application must have helped."

Sephiroth went deadly still. He looked like a statue about to explode.

"Aw, come on, Seph! I didn't actually think either of us would get in! It was more of a joke, really. I mean, barely passed Grade four math in Gongaga. Sure, the mako helps the IQ and all," Sephiroth rolled his eyes, "but I'm hardly M.D. material."

"If I remember correctly from your file, commander, you failed to your first grade matriculation. Twice."

"Shit, that's in there, too?" The panic on his face was priceless. "Anyways, what were the chances they'd accept me, let alone a psycho, sociopathic megalomaniac? You're not exactly a people person, Seph. How many did you kill in Wutai?"

"Thousands."

"Right. That wasn't even counting the ones in the Wutai hospital you incinerated."

"An ounce of prevention…."

"See? How was I supposed to know?" Zack started to bounce. "Look at the bright side, Seph. Chicks dig the white coat, the steph…steh…setho…"

"Stethoscope."

"Sweet! We're so gonna get laid!"

Furious, the former General stormed back down the hall. He was going to put an end to this ridiculous turn of events. He was SOLDIER elite, a former Shinra general, and the most dangerous man on the Planet. Gods be damned if he was going to some military medical school to become a _doctor_, of all things. Didn't these people have any common sense? He killed for a living. Zack Fair took off after him.

"Seph, wait up!" Zack caught up, and together they walked back to Lazard's office in silence. After 30 seconds, Zack Fair had to break it.

"Hey."

"What is it now, Zachary?"

"What does M.D. stand for?"

* * *

AN: I couldn't resist. I can't imagine anything more ridiculous, so I had to write it, just the same. Just wait 'till these two hit the wards! Please R&R.


	2. Chapter 2 Check Mate

**Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!**

**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them.**

**Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated".**

**What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education….off to Shinra Medical School!**

**Chapter 2 - Check Mate**

Sephiroth stormed Lazard's office with righteous wrath. No matter how much he argued, fought and glared, he had no choice. "The Application", once accepted in the military program, was "set in stone." He had even vaporized Lazard's favorite salt-water aquarium, expensive fish flying across the room like so much unrestrained marine popcorn. Nothing worked.

President Shinra looked on with amusement. "Sephiroth." His quiet voice carried across the room, silencing the former General. "I know this must be hard for you, but it's really in your best interests. You're a genius. Your IQ is off the charts, and you can do anything you set your mind to. Your only fault is your inability to interact effectively with others."

"Effectively?" Sephiroth was astounded at the stupidity of the statement. "My ability to interact with others involved running them through. It seemed pretty effective to me."

"Yes, you excelled at your extracurricular activities, without question. You need to develop your humanistic qualities, all of which I'm sure are just waiting to blossom."

The arguments continued, but the President remained firm. Sephiroth was going to become a doctor, no matter what. Disgusted, the Silver General spat out his trump card.

"Fine. Let's see how long I last after blowing up Shinra General Hospital. How's that for 'patient care'?" He was beyond angry, now.

Still smiling, Lazard reached in to his desk, and pulled out a file. He tossed it to the outraged General.

Sephiroth's eyes widened as he read. "_All First Class SOLDIERs eligible for retirement will be considered a direct threat to the Shinra Corporation's interests, and consequently will be scheduled to be permanently contained or terminated. No exceptions_."

It was the final straw. He drew himself up to his full height, black wing extended, in all his terrible Sephiroth-glory. Shinra and Lazard merely smirked. Something wasn't right.

"Your existence relies on regular mako infusions. Without them, any SOLDIER ages at an accelerated rate."

"I can accept that. I am not going to medical school."

"Your condition is unique. You had such a massive infusion from the beginning, and require much more than the average SOLDIER. Without them, you would cease to exist."

Sephiroth gritted his teeth in rage. "How long."

"Six weeks. Maybe seven. Despite the memo, we will make an exception in your case, given the situation. The only way for you and Zack to survive is to embrace this opportunity. We will keep you two well-supplied with the mako you need. In the meantime, try to work on your people skills."

"But..!"

"Dismissed"

* * *

Zack nearly fell on him as he opened the door.

"Gaia's Ass, Seph, watch what you're doing!"

The Silver General was in the worst mood of his life. The last person he wanted to deal with was Zachary Fair.

"So…..wanna go pick up chicks? I got us some 'U-Shinra Medicine' hoodies. We can sit at the coffee shop and pretend we're studying."

If looks could kill, Zack would be dead.

* * *

AN: I'm just having too much fun with this. Next up, the fabled "White Coat Ceremony".


	3. Chapter 3 First Day

**Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!**

****

**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them. I don't own E.R., either, but they get an honorable mention.**

**Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated".**

**AN: What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education…off to Shinra Medical School!**

**Chapter 3 - First Day**

"Holy living fuck, Seph! You are _smoking_ hot in that white coat! Are you sure you haven't reconsidered your orientation?" Zack whistled in admiration.

"Shut up, Fair." Sephiroth muttered. He was visibly uncomfortable, picking at his new, starchy, _itchy_ white coat. He was also wearing dress pants and a shirt and tie; his usual black leather outfit, bare chest and long sword were considered "unprofessional attire" by the Faculty.

"You know I'd turn gay for you, Sephy." Zack snickered. "Are you gonna let your chest hair grow back now, or did you ever have any?" Zack nudged his friend painfully in the ribs.

"Shut _up_, Fair!"

"Shhhhh…..the ceremony is about to start!"

All seventy-five newly-minted medical students waited patiently for the Dean to make his speech. Proud parents and family members looked on with tissues. The Dean began his address. It consisted of "Congratulations!", and ended with "We're going to make doctors out of you." Sephiroth sat immobile, inwardly seething, maintaining his best totem pole impression. Zack looked bored to tears, and was already eyeing the refreshments table.

"Hey, Seph – do you think your crazy-ass, bat-shit of a mother would've wanted to be here? It's a pretty big day, after all. I was just asking, 'cause there's some weird snake-on-a-stick statue over there." Zack had pointed out the Staff of Aesculapius, the revered symbol of the medical profession for generations.

Sephiroth's upper lip curled into a snarl, but he refused to answer.

"You know I'm proud of you, Seph. I even got us 'I'm Going to be a DOCTOR!' t-shirts. We'll hit some tail for sure." The man was unflappable.

There was a flurry of camera flashes as the entire matriculating class rose from their seats. Zack pressed a piece of paper in to Sephiroth's hands.

"It's the Oath. You know, the one doctors are supposed to take, something about hippos…."

Sephiroth glanced at the writing. "_The Hippocratic Oath_." He had never heard of it, and yet, he was supposed to abide by it for the rest of his career. The Dean began, with all of his classmates eagerly chanting along. Sephiroth doubted they had any idea what they were getting in to. He mumbled the words under his breath. Beside him, Zack was attempting some sort of interpretive dance, rhyming the words off-key in an annoying sing-song.

After being seated, the Dean spoke once more. "On behalf of the Faculty, I wish to welcome you to your chosen profession. You have joined the ranks of the most brilliant minds this generation has produced. Physicians make many sacrifices – the journey is long, and arduous. All of you will succeed, if you abide by one rule." His voice dropped in pitch for emphasis.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. Zack continued to hum, oblivious.

"_Do no harm_."

"_WHAT!!_?" The Silver General leaped from his chair. Luckily, the roar of applause drowned out the rush of expletives that followed. Zack tackled him to the ground, and with difficulty, succeeded in settling him back in to his seat. He could barely contain the furious General. Several new classmates shot irritated looks their way.

"Relax Seph. Doctors kill people all the time! Ever watch E.R.? They've probably sent more people to the morgue than you have."

Sephiroth glowered, wishing he had his materia so he could annihilate the entire procession hall. Unfortunately, the Shinra Corporation had confiscated everything in the name of "patient safety".

Ever the opportunist, Zack piped up again.

"Hey, let's go get something to drink. I bet they have sake-bombs!"

* * *

AN: And so the journey continues. SOLDIER training must be brutal, but how will these two stand up against a hoard of stinking cadavers in the anatomy lab? Will Sephiroth ever be able to get the smell out of his hair, or will he be forever destined to sit by himself in a crowd? Stay tuned...always open to suggestions!


	4. Chapter 4 Anatomy Class

**Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!**

**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them.**

**Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated".**

**AN: What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education….off to Shinra Medical School!**

**Chapter 4 - Anatomy Class**

Despite the constant bitching, Zack thought his friend had settled quite well into the new routine. As usual, Sephiroth was able to memorize quickly and master difficult concepts with ease. Unfortunately, the sheer volume of information thrown their way was too much for even his genetically enhanced brain to handle. It was like getting hit with an information fire-hose every morning.

In the afternoons, they were scheduled for Anatomy Lab. There, each group of students got to dissect a human cadaver, in order to learn anatomical structure. In their pristine white lab coats, Zack Fair and General Sephiroth waited just outside the lab for class to begin. The doors opened, and with his usual exuberance, Zack rushed in.

The stench of formaldehyde immediately assaulted his senses. Reflexively clapping a hand over his mouth and nose, Zack turned and fled. He ran straight in to his friend. The General fared no better.

Sephiroth's eyes and nose were in complete revolt. Genetically enhanced senses didn't always give him an advantage. He started to drool, almost gagging with the overpowering smell. He looked about ready to faint, vomit and sneeze all at the same time.

"Here." One of the lab techs shoved a yellow gas mask in his face. After a few minutes, his nose and eyes adjusted. He stood rigid, with a huge yellow face protector covering his elegant features and mussing up his hair. He looked absolutely ridiculous.

Zack collapsed in to a fit of giggles. "Whoa, Seph. You okay?"

"Fuck off, Fair." His congested voice could barely be understood through the thick respirator.

"What was that?"

Sephiroth flipped him the bird, and seriously considered jamming it through his eye.

"Wow! That's a first! I thought all docs got jaded _after_ dealing with the living." The two looked towards the head of the class as the professor began to speak.

"Okay class, you may begin!" The lab director looked suspiciously like Hojo.

Zack, Sephiroth and three other classmates opened the steel box containing their cadaver. It was obvious the man had been morbidly obese in life. Zack turned white, then green. "How the hell are we going to get through all that!"

"Crack and amphetamines, asshole." His classmate didn't even look up.

"Excuse me while I throw up…."

The three other students immediately began dissecting. Fat flew everywhere. Unfazed, they continued at a frenzied pace. Zack's pristine white coat was now covered with bits of fat, skin and drops of formaldehyde.

"Give me a scalpel." There was no mistaking the authority in that voice.

"Uh…Seph? Is that such a good idea?" The General shoved a squawking student out of the way, took his scalpel, and went to work. He wielded the little knife as expertly as the Masamune; his cuts were clean, accurate and very, _very_ fast.

"You're not following the dissection protocol!" The other students were wailing indignantly.

Sephiroth now crouched on the steel table, straddling his victim. There was a wild light in his eyes. He continued to slash with legendary control.

"That's a kill….that's another one….there's a kill….that one would eventually exsanguinate…another kill..."

The lab director stood by, watching. "Easy there, kiddo. You don't want to disturb the brachial plexus." He took Zack's pen, and poked some unidentifiable structure amidst a bunch of similar-looking, unidentifiable structures. The man really did look like Hojo. Sephiroth stopped long enough to glare. The effect was lost through the dirty glass of his mask.

"Hmmm….clean cuts, good control….not bad for a first try! Excellent! A budding surgeon!" The other students continued to clamor resentfully.

"First try….?" Sephiroth stood over the cadaver and the entire class. The scalpel glinted menacingly in a clenched fist. "Do you know who I am?"

Zack sidled up to the director, and whispered. "He's the guy with the 6-foot sword."

"Yes, well, I'm sure everyone has overcompensation issues. Still, I think he's done very well for a first year student." The lab director looked up at the General again, and frowned. "Some advice – you might want to tie your hair back next time. Things can get a little messy in here." He handed Zack his pen.

When the afternoon was over, both of them desperately needed a shower. Zack used this opportunity to stuff his friend into the U-Shinra Medicine hoodie he had bought. He hoped the ladies were noticing as they sat down at the coffee shop to go over what they had just learned. Instead, they got looks of disgust; everyone wrinkled their noses in aversion. Pretty soon they were surrounded by empty tables.

"What's wrong with everyone?" Zack was dumbfounded.

"I think it's the hoodies, Zack." There was sarcasm in the General's voice. Actual sarcasm.

Zack Fair heaved a huge sigh. "Never mind. Let's get to work." He pulled out his anatomy text, his pen, and an assortment of colored highlighters. He immediately began scribbling in the margins. Sephiroth noticed he was doodling pictures of…genitalia. With a dreamy look, Zack nibbled the end of his pen.

Sephiroth waited for the inevitable. He wished he had a camera.

Zack's face screwed up in confusion. His tongue lolled out, and his expression turned to one of revulsion. "What the….?"

He had nibbled on the "Anatomy Pen".

"Oh, fucking GROSS!!"

* * *

AN: That was not taken from actual experience. Honest. Some advice, pls - should I skip over the next couple of years (mostly developing book-smarts) and dump them straight into clerkship? Nothing like realizing two years of information overload means absolutely nothing on the wards. Or should I pull a few more lecture-hall stories out of the hat? You decide...


	5. Chapter 5 Interlude and ER!

**Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!**

****

**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them.**

**Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated".**

**AN: What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education…off to Shinra Medical School!**

**AN#2: Okay, so I skipped ahead a couple of years. Given how irritating medical students can be in lecture hall, Sephiroth would have lost it by now, no doubt eclipsing the incident at Nibelheim in an explosion of blackened lab coats and highlighters. I have filed that particular fantasy for personal use in lieu of studying. For those not medically-inclined, "GI" means "bowel". Told you there was some gross medical stuff...**

**Chapter 5 - Interlude and...E.R.!!**

"Hey."

Sephiroth had spent the last hour running through kata after kata. He and Zack still had free access to the Level 49 Training Room, which he frequently used to work out his frustrations with being a medical student. He hadn't lost much of his skill, but he felt a little rusty. The last two years had consisted mainly of sitting on his ass reading, memorizing and regurgitating seemingly useless minutiae for testing purposes. He slowed his movements, and sheathed the Masamune.

"Are you ready for tomorrow, Seph?"

"I don't know." Tomorrow, they were to begin their hospital training. Tomorrow, they were going to be responsible for real patients. _Tomorrow_, Sephiroth reasoned, _was going to suck_.

"I can't believe they started us out in the E.R.! The glory, saving lives, getting to say 'Clear' – we're going to be the sexiest people in the hospital."

"We're about to become the most useless people in the hospital, Zack. We have no idea what to do. Even the janitor has a job."

"Yeah, but the janitor doesn't get to say 'Clear!' I bet it's going to be an amazing day, hands down!" Sephiroth had a moment of foreboding as his friend bounced exuberantly. He socked him in the gut, knocking the wind out of him. Zack dropped like a sack of bricks.

"Get some sleep." Sephiroth walked away.

"Come on, man! I'm prepared! I got a whole case of caffeine energy drink thingies for those long nights. They really work!"

* * *

**ER**

Amidst the chaos of the Shinra Hospital's Emergency Department, Zack Fair was busily scanning the new charts. "Diarrhea…nail fungus…rash…nosebleed…chest pain…discharge…chest pain…itchy teeth…" Frustrated, he ignored them and swung his feet up on the desk. "Geez, Seph, nothing good. Whatever happened to 'Ambiguous Genitalia'?"

Sephiroth couldn't understand how Zack could retain his disturbing fascination with genitalia after having been through two years of medical school. Far too many terrible things happened to the nether regions, most of which he could have lived happily without ever knowing; their professors seemed to take perverse pleasure in showing them the worst of it.

"Oh, hey man - look at this! It says 'Foreign Body'! I bet it's some hot model from overseas." Zack took off, only to come back running to the nursing station twice as fast. "Seph, that old guy just squeezed a Stubby bottle outta his ass." Sephiroth did his best to forget what had just been said.

In the meantime, the Silver General had done his duty. He had picked up a chart, seen his patient, asked relevant questions, performed a physical exam without killing anyone, written a note, and had even formed a decent differential diagnosis. He began his presentation to his ER attending.

"Mr. Parks is a 68 year old man with a history of irritable bowel disease, presenting with GI bleeding….."

"Did you look?"

Sephiroth balked at the interruption. Zack's wind was up.

"What do you mean, look?"

"Sephiroth, when a patient has a lower GI bleed, it is of vital importance to determine _what _is bleeding. The first step is to have a look."

"You are asking me to look at my patient's anus?" Zack had to stuff a whole wad of gauze in his mouth to keep from laughing himself into hysterics.

"That's the first step. You'll also have to take a sample and test for blood. Go put some gloves on; I'll get the rectal lubricant and the test strip. We can discuss your findings once you're finished."

"Lubricant….?" Sephiroth looked absolutely outraged. Howling laughter could be heard from the washroom nearby.

Revolted, the silver-haired man nevertheless made his way back to his patient. The mask on his face did little to cover his scowl.

"Are you gonna check, doc? I got a 'bowel problem', and just so you know, and I really REALLY have to take a shit."

* * *

Afterwards, Sephiroth's face was a green as his eyes. "If I _ever_ have to stick anything up somebody's ass again, it'll be with Masamune…." Zack's chortling had dissolved in to the occasional snigger.

"Zack Fair!" The ER physician was holding another new chart. "Here, go see this patient. She's a 92 year-old lady presenting with recurrent constipation. We've already given her some oral laxatives, but she's not moving anything. Let me see your fingers." Mystified, Zack held extended his hands, palms up. "Have you ever done a manual disimpaction?"

"A what?" Zack had put on his best _WTF?_ expression.

It was Sephiroth's time to smirk.

* * *

AN: Totally gross.


	6. Chapter 6 Paint the Town

**Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!**

****

**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them.**

**Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated", and in this chapter, smashed.**

**AN: What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education…off to Shinra Medical School!**

**Chapter 6 - Paint the Town**

Zack was dead tired. Six weeks of hospital work had sucked the life out of him. He was looking forward to his first weekend off in almost two months. Despite living in adjacent Shinra apartments, Zack had seen little of his friend in the last few weeks. Life was just so goddamned freakin' _busy_.

Using another pirated swipe card, Zack crept in to the General's quarters. It was eerily silent. Sephiroth slept like the dead; the green glow of his half-lidded eyes was visible from his bedroom door. Like a grinning panther, Zack pounced on him.

"SURPRISE!!"

Under normal circumstances, no one, not even Zack, could have blindsided the Silver General, even in his sleep. The fact that he simply groaned and slid under the covers was painful evidence of his exhaustion. Sephiroth curled up in to a ball. His face stuck to his pillow; he drooled in his sleep. Clothed only in black pants consisting of some soft material, Zack nevertheless noticed a pair of Chocobo boxers. He filed that important piece of information for later use.

"Wake up, Princess! Time to go out!"

"Mmmmhmmgphhh…" Zack Fair jumped up and down on the bed as hard as he could. Sephiroth cracked an eye open. Still grinning, Zack jumped off and flipped the mattress. The General landed like a cat, green eyes blazing. Even though only half-awake, he was fast. And very dangerous.

"Zack….you have ten seconds to get out of my sight."

"Next time, I'll fill your mattress with Rice Krispies and soak your hand in warm water." He dodged a rather wicked-looking throwing knife, which lodged into the wall behind him. "Fine. Guess you don't want these." He flashed two tickets he'd been hiding behind his back. "VIP passes to Sin. The hottest nightclub in Midgar."

"Who did you kill, fuck or blow to get those?" Stunned, Sephiroth was rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Zack gasped. "The General said a BAD WORD! Honestly, Seph, you've developed quite the repertoire since becoming a hospital scut monkey. The profanity - it's turning me on." Zack threw him a wink. Sephiroth glared.

"To answer your question – I stole them. I was trying to prank the Dean's office again, after the Tonberry incident, and I saw these. I figured they'd just go to waste; I bet they have age requirements at Sin, and he's way past his expiry date. Anyhoo, nobody's noticed yet, so we're going to fill in. You've got twenty minutes to get ready. Hup-to!"

"I trust you are not giving orders to a superior officer, Fair."

"Piss off, we need a night out. We work hard, no pay, and _no play_. Let's go have some fun." Sephiroth padded off towards the shower, his silver mane sticking up in every direction.

"How long until you finish at the hair salon?" Zack ducked as another knife flew from the bathroom. "Seriously, you could make a mint on those internet auction sites, just for the hair balls stuck in your drain."

Sephiroth emerged from the washroom. He looked like a runway model gone rockstar chic.

"Aw, for fuck's sake, Seph! How am I supposed to score with you looking like that?!"

The former General smirked. "What's the backpack for?"

"Secret weapon." Sephiroth didn't trust the sneaky look in Zack's violet eyes.

Sin was the premier hotspot in the city. Not even SOLDIER elite could get in without either a very long wait, or VIP passes. The place was packed. The waitresses had a vamped-up appearance that was meant to be sexy. To their trained eyes, they looked anemic, wasted and far too thin. The Silver General turned every female head in the room; even most of the men couldn't take their eyes off him. Sephiroth was used to being stared at, but he still didn't like it. He was almost too tired to think.

"Hey, aren't those some of our classmates?" Zack pointed to a group of young people in the VIP lounge.

"Leave them be, Zack. They're assholes." This particular group had no respect for authority. Sephiroth had to exert self-control _in extremis_ around this bunch. As far as he was concerned, they were lucky to still have their guts in the right places. Zack Fair simply couldn't turn down a challenge, and strode towards the table. With a sigh, Sephiroth went after him.

"If it isn't Cracker-Zack and the Psycho! Who let you two out?" There were giggles from around the table.

"Howdy, turds! Nice drinks – lemme guess - they're rated PG-13? Of course, you folks need as many neurons as possible; you don't want to jeopardize your careers as proctologists. Your liver thanks you!" Zack offered a mocking bow, and then cocked an eyebrow at his audience. "_Pussies_."

"We'd have you under the table in five, jackass."

"Yeah, in your wet dreams, sucker. _Nobody_ out-drinks SOLDIER." Zack shoved them over. Sephiroth found a chair opposite. No one could meet his gaze for long.

Zack reached in to his knapsack and pulled out several vials loaded with a green substance. _Mako_. "Mixers, on the house. Care to join us?" The emerald glow tinted the faces across the table. There were little "oh's" of wonder.

Sephiroth shot him a warning look. Mako infusions were dangerous, even to SOLDIER. Who knew what would happen if they were mixed with alcohol, let alone given to a bunch of insane medical students? Zack blithely passed around shots of the green stuff. "Rated R, folks!"

"_What are you doing_!?" Sephiroth's urgent whisper could only be heard with Zack's enhanced ears.

"Don't worry! If one of them croaks, we know what to do!"

"Call 9-1-1!!" The entire group replied in unison. They downed their shots, Zack among them. Sephiroth shrugged, and then his expression turned devilish. Grabbing the nearest mako vial, he poured in an indecent amount of hard liquor. Within seconds, he poured another. His eyes glowed as bright as fire.

"Holy crispy crap!" Zack could hardly keep up. "Hey, listen – they're playing that song, the one that goes 'I'm Bringing Sephy Back!'"

"I think it's supposed to be 'Sexy', Zack." He couldn't bring himself to say "Sephy". Either way, he was starting to slur.

"Doesn't matter - same thing!" Zack bounded towards the dance floor. The last thing the General remembered was being dragged along with him and the rest of those assholes.

Sephiroth was feeling pretty good.

* * *

The drinking and debauchery that ensued was legendary. Sephiroth woke up the next morning, in somebody else's bed. He quickly scanned the room and disentangled himself from a few sleeping bodies. He noticed they belonged to his female classmates from the night before. He stared hard at one of them, who most definitely was not. He groaned.

_Fuck!_ He hated losing control. This was complicated by the fact that he had likely reviewed some pelvic anatomy with his own colleagues. He couldn't remember anything. He heard snoring from a nearby room. These were Zack's quarters.

Zack Fair was sprawled on the floor in his birthday suit. With an evil grin, the General decided to experiment. He didn't know what Rice Krispies were, but he did have warm water at his disposal. With all his stealth, he slipped Zack's hand into a bowl. Creeping quietly to his apartment to sleep off the rest of his hangover, he wrote it off as having been "working on his sense of humor". Thoroughly pleased with himself, he drifted off to sleep once more. He didn't even wake when the screaming started.

* * *

**AN:** Everyone knows doctors work hard, and play hard. This is doubly so for the medical students. At least the playing part. This was really just an excuse to get those two trashed, they're going to need it for the hell that's coming up...SURGERY!


	7. Chapter 7 Surgery Hell Part I

**Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!**

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**Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them.**

**Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated". Enter Surgery Hell, Part I.**

**AN: What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education…off to Shinra Medical School!**

**Chapter 7 - SURGERY**

At 04:30, Sephiroth waited impatiently in hospital scrubs. His scrub pants were too short; they had run out of extra-large, again. Pulling them lower over his hips didn't work, either – the seat of his pants almost dangled on the floor. He couldn't decide whether wearing socks had been a good idea or not, and his big, sneakered feet stuck out. The General was used to intimidating dress; today he looked like a dork.

Zack stumbled down the hall to meet him, yawning all the way. "Hey. Nice pants." Sephiroth growled. "Who the fuck gets up at 4 a.m.? How late are we gonna stay here? I'm definitely going to need some scrotal support if I'm going to be standing all day; those suckers are just too big to…."

"_Who the hell are you_?" Startled, both snapped to attention. The man that stood before them was short, wiry and dripped with arrogance.

"Uh, I think we're your students, sir. I'm Zack, and this is Seph."

"I care so little, I almost fell over. Well then, Crack and Steph, I'm Dr. Poon." Zack mercifully had enough common sense not to giggle. "Do you know what time it is? You probably haven't even seen all of the inpatients, yet."

"Well, it's only our first day, so we don't exactly…"

"What did I just say? DON'T. CARE. You're a medical student. You could be at home watching the Moogle Pop marathon or replace yourself with an inflatable sex doll in a lab coat, for all you're worth around here. I'd prefer the latter, if I had to choose. Remember this: your job is to stay out of everyone's way." He pushed a cart loaded with patient charts towards them.

"In that case, if there's a Moogle Pop marathon, I think I'll just…."

"You don't think until I tell you to. Medicine sucks. ObsGyne swallows. Surgery will take whatever miserable excuse you have for balls and shove them up your shitter while biting the tip off your dick. Assuming either of you has balls, that is."

Sephiroth wondered how this man's genitals would look skewered on the Masamune. He was discovering that the hospital environment typically selected for assholes. This little man was no exception. He would have been eaten alive at SOLDIER.

"You," he pointed at Zack without looking, "take your girlfriend here and go see the patients in C wing. It's too early for any of them to be awake, which is the perfect time to start asking questions. Give them a good night's sleep, and they'll start thinking this is a hotel and we'll never get rid of them. The only people that sleep in this hospital are dead or so close it makes no difference. You don't have to deal with all the touchy-feely shit. Just check their vitals, find out if they're having any pain, and ask them whether or not they've passed gas overnight."

"You want us to ask them if they farted in their sleep? How are they supposed to remember that?" Zack was able to keep a straight face only because he was genuinely curious.

"I am not a girl!" Sephiroth snarled.

Dr. Poon was already disappearing down the dark hall, hand raised and twirling his index finger. "Be ready in the OR at 07:00!" He vanished around a corner a second later.

"Do you know where C wing is?"

"No." Sephiroth eyes were glowing. His fists were clenched. If he were armed, every living creature within a 5-mile radius should have been running for their lives. Instead, he was stuck in this miserable shit-hole of a hospital, taking orders from some asshole surgeon with gender-identification issues.

"Hey Seph – you got that artery pulsing on the side of your head again. And your eye is doing that twitchy thing." Zack spoke in the same soothing tones he used at Niebelheim. It wasn't working. Sephiroth was reaching critical mass.

Zack switched gears. He remembered the Chocobo boxers. He decided on the unthinkable, knowing full well that what he was about to do might be the end of him. He could come up with no other way of distracting his friend. Keeping his eyes fixed on Sephiroth's face, Zack reached behind the General, grabbed his boxers and pulled. _Hard_.

Zack Fair ran for his life. He flew down the dark halls at a full-out sprint. His heart was doing flip-flops in his chest – the young SOLDIER was about to die. He could hear the deadly whisper of silver hair whipping down the halls after him. Sephiroth made no other sound.

At this point, Zack's psyche had partially unhinged with exhilaration and terror. He couldn't help himself; he began to cackle wildly. He stole a glance back – what he saw made him run all the harder. A split second later, he ran full tilt into Dr. Poon.

Zack went flying. Charts went flying. Donuts fluttered through the air. Dr. Poon was surprisingly agile – he landed in a crouch on his feet, one hand on the floor. The deadly glare in his eyes rivaled that of the General.

With Zack stunned and sprawled on the floor between them, the General and the surgeon faced off in a battle of wills. Sephiroth's green eyes blazed, his black wing extended, his lips curled back in a trade-marked snarl. Dr. Poon gave him a withering stare, with enough derision and venom to vaporize the average medical student in to a cloud of abject humiliation. The surgeon's voice was unnaturally controlled; his words were clipped with fury.

"This is _not_ a costume party. We are _surgeons_, and it's about time you learned to act like one. What the….?" Suddenly, Dr. Poon's demeanor changed. His forehead wrinkled with obvious concern. Some of the fire went out of the General's gaze. "Let me have a look at that." Dr. Poon gestured at the large black wing. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes, but didn't move. Deftly, carefully, those expert surgeon hands examined the area where the wing emerged from the General's shoulder.

"Is it painful?" Sephiroth tensed, closed his eyes for a second, and nodded almost imperceptibly. It was the first time anyone had ever asked him. "We can take care of that, if you like. I have a colleague in plastic surgery who owes me a favor."

Zack, meanwhile, had recovered some of his mental faculties. "I thought we were nothing but blow-up dolls in lab coats, sir."

"You are. For now. Someday you'll pull your own weight around here. Don't think for a second that any one of us is too arrogant to realize that." Dr. Poon glanced at the General, who had tucked his mutant wing back in to hiding. "We are doctors _first_. And we take care of our own. Now get back to work."

"So….does your friend do, uh,….any other kind of 'enhancing?'" Zack's eyes were hopeful.

With a roar, Dr. Poon launched an entire box of donuts at Zack's head. Apparently, there was an endless supply of those things. The surgeon stormed off towards the operating suites without another word.

Sephiroth's expression was unreadable. Such simple acts of kindness, however rough, were always unexpected. The Silver General was bred to anticipate of even the remotest possible attack, but generosity always caught him off-guard. He gave his head a sharp shake, and looked down at his friend. Zack had chocolate frosting in his hair, which was dusted with powdered sugar and sprinkles. Despite this, he was nonchalant about munching on the pastries that had landed on his chest.

With a deep laugh, the General plucked one of the donuts from Zack's hand, before he was able to shove it in his mouth. Sephiroth had a particular weakness for sweets; after finishing, he scanned the room for another box. One of the nurses rolled her eyes, and produced a fresh dozen donuts from under the counter. Sephiroth helped himself, and plopped down on the floor in the middle of the hall next to his friend. Soon, the Silver General was contentedly nibbling at the last of the treats. He grinned at Zack as he licked his fingers clean.

"So, shall we do as the good doctor says?"

Zack sighed, and nodded. The pair wandered off to see their first patient of the day.

"Seph? We're cool, right? So we can have an honest moment?" The General didn't like the look on Zack's face. The raven-haired SOLDIER carried on, nonetheless. "Just so you know, I think I might have ripped off your boxers….." Zack pointed to a fragment of Chocobo-patterned fabric on the floor.

"What…?"

"Uh, so you'll have to go commando today. We're still cool right?" Zack glanced at the nursing station. Several pairs of eyes and ears were carefully absorbing the conversation. Zack's eyes took on a wildly mischievous glint. "'Cause, I just _have _to do this…" Before Sephiroth could react, Zack had yanked his General's scrub pants to his ankles, and took off again down the hall, shrieking with laughter. The nurses erupted in to a chorus of giggles. Third year was _so_ much fun…..

**AN - Sorry this took so long; travelling across country is rather exhausting. Stay tuned for another Surgery chapter in the works (won't be too long a wait), and perhaps (as suggested!), a certain Mercy General character makes an appearance....**


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